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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27807853">Hidden Sadness</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuasarScorpion/pseuds/QuasarScorpion'>QuasarScorpion</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Coping, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, Understanding</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 08:27:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,417</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27807853</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuasarScorpion/pseuds/QuasarScorpion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Atsumu doesn't understand the feelings or lack there of that he is having. All he knows is that he constantly feels forced to parade around with a smile and a grumpy attitude. He needs to stand tall so he doesn't fall apart. Atsumu doesn't know what it is plaguing him, all he knows is it makes him feel weak.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Miya Atsumu &amp; Sakusa Kiyoomi, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>157</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hidden Sadness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Everyone always saw him smiling. There in the middle of the day surrounded by people who had grown to resent him, he’d smile. Atsumu always managed a cocky comment, unbelievable set or a controlled outburst. Throughout high school, he’d surrounded himself with teammates and his brother had always welcomed him into group hangouts. However, <em>it</em> always lingered. People would smile so he’d smile back at them with such vigor. Atsumu would hide behind his intellect, enthusiasm and extrovert personality to tell the world he was fine. No one ever saw the cracked smile behind the one he displayed. No one ever commented on or asked about the lost look in his eye when he was off the court.</p><p>Everyone expected a volleyball superstar. They wanted a lady’s man. A Mr. Steal-yo-girl. Atsumu just didn’t have it in him to deny them. He’d always wanted to be the best at everything, right? More important than that he enjoyed spending the time with his brother. It made him feel something. Even Osamu didn’t notice right away. There’d been moments of hope within Atsumu, every time his brother would raise an eyebrow or cock his head to the side in questioning. He hoped that his brother would ask. He’d hoped that he’d noticed. No matter how much Atsumu hoped that, it hadn’t happened. Sometimes he would fidget outside his brother’s room or open his mouth to confess but he always retreated. <em>What if it made him weak?</em> Every cell in his body knew that Osamu wouldn’t judge, that he would listen but what if this was worse than he’d thought. He wasn’t ready to say it out loud and he wasn’t ready for the jokes that he believed would come. Worst of all Atsumu realised every time he went to say something, there weren’t enough words in his vocabulary to describe how he felt. It was a weird realisation. Over time he’d figured out that most of the feelings that he’d had were faked. Not that he was being fake but that he was pleasing those around him by hiding his lack of feeling.</p><p>The youth training camp sparked something fresh in him. He’d actually felt this surge of happiness when he’d found out he was invited. There’d been a dip when his brother hadn’t but Atsumu was still walking on his own small cloud of happiness. It was a feeling he never wanted to lose. Afterwards he’d lost it once again feeling deep down like a failure to those around him. Not feeling good enough. Not feeling worth it. That dark place is where he doubled down once again on volleyball. There was now no room for anything else in his life because he needed to feel that spark of joy. He needed to feel it again. So, when he finally got back there and Kageyama was the talk of the town he heard an insistent shouting in his mind that said he wasn't all great or necessary. When his insults and façade did nothing to the Karasuno setter it had settled in again. It soon revealed to him that gloom of being less than incredible. Returning from that camp had been that last straw. That night he’d walked through the house, dropping his bags, and garments as he went along until he made it to Osamu’s room. The door was thrown open so hard it bounced back and closed. Once he was inside, Atsumu broke down.</p><p>Osamu’s scrambled from his homework catching his brother in his arms before he hit the floor. There they sat together for a couple hours. They’d denied dinner saying they’d grab something later after finishing homework. Well, Osamu had said it. Atsumu was grateful that his brother had just held on. In those moments, he’d felt like floating away. It was as though every tether securing him to this tortured existence had been severed. There was nothing other than darkness while he was scrambling to grab hold. To his surprise he didn’t cry. There was water in his eyes ready to fall but they never did. The longer his eyes were glazed with their watery existence, the more he wished he could make them fall. But there was no way. Atsumu was numb. So numb to emotion apparently that Osamu told him if he’d been shot with a tranquilliser, he wouldn’t have been surprised. There was no room for him in this existence anymore. That night he decided to follow the things he’d seen online. There in Osamu’s hold he forced a positive attitude and false optimism hoping to suppress all the darkness within. Atsumu pulled away, smiled, choked out a quick “Yeh, I’m alright. No need to worry,” and locked himself way in his room.</p><p>After that Osamu was on him. There were more check-ins between them. His brother stopped criticising his failures off the court in the intense way they'd been used to. Osamu just watched for changes. It made him hide away even more as he grew more determined to force light. At some point following Nationals, ended up at an All Japan Youth Volleyball mixer. Among colleagues and friends (or at least he assumed) Atsumu was able to breathe. It’d been years of holding his breath off the court and finally filling his lungs during a match. Now in the limelight of his future, Atsumu was able to breathe.</p><p>As the night wound down, everyone fell into quiet conversation with people they’d made significant connections previously. Atsumu was sat alone. <em>So, he really was a piece of shit after all... huh.</em> It was almost bittersweet. Without his brother. he had nothing… he was nothing apparently. The chuckle that escaped was dark and bitter. Maybe he didn’t deserve to be around then. Maybe he should quit and find something new to pursue. Maybe he should run away from it all and start over. He could do that it seemed since no one would even notice his absence. Well, his parents and brother would but over time he figured they would realise they were better off. Angered, Atsumu went to stand but was stopped by Sakusa, who had taken to standing behind the chair beside him.</p><p>“May I join you?”</p><p>Atsumu couldn’t say no.</p><p>They sat in silence for a few minutes. It wasn’t awkward but it wasn’t comfortable. Sakusa broke it.</p><p>“Don’t say anything if you don’t want to but I need to say something,” he said turning to face Atsumu.</p><p>“Do what ya ‘ave too,” Atsumu shrugged it off.</p><p>“That right there actually,” Sakusa waited for Atsumu’s startled expression to settle. “I know you aren’t happy. This is all projected. If I’m honest it’s one of the things that pissed me off about you to begin with. Took me a while but I realised you’re just a depressed asshole like me.”</p><p>Atsumu didn’t know how to react. That word. <em>Depressed.</em> He hadn’t even said it to himself and he wasn’t even sure what it had to do with his current state of mind. “Dunno what yer talkin’ ‘bout.”</p><p>Sakusa rolled his eyes, “Maybe you didn’t know what it was called but I can see that hollow emptiness in your eyes every time you smile. I know that haunted look.”</p><p>“So, what if I am?”</p><p>“There’s nothing wrong with it,” Sakusa quickly and calmly replied. “I came over here when I noticed you struggling because I felt I needed to say something.”</p><p>Never once had Atsumu actually known air as intimately as he had at that moment. Within this space he didn’t have to pretend. Sat there next to Sakusa it was fresh and hopeful and uninhibited and <em>real.</em></p><p>“Miya, I’ll leave you alone it seems you'd prefer it,” Sakusa started as he began to stand. “Please talk to your trainer or doctor when you get home. There isn’t anything to be ashamed of. Trust me... you aren’t alone and there are things you can do to dull the ache. Things that can help you actually feel again.”</p><p>Sakusa turned to leave with his hands deep in his pockets. That reality was the opposite of what he’d wanted. Right now, Atsumu needed Sakusa to stay even if it was only in silence. There were things he needed to ask… things he needed to know… He couldn’t just lea—</p><p>“Wait,” he desperately called. “Can ya sit? I’ve got a few questions if ya don’t mind answerin’.”</p><p>Sakusa turned with a slight glint in his eye. “Ask anything. I’m here to help.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I was struggling there for a hot second and I needed a way to filter my mood. So I forced it all onto Atsumu because like he he has a support system that would help him if he'd just vocalize. It took me years to do so and more recently I have yet it never gets easier. </p><p>This was mostly me venting but when I posted it as a thread on Twitter people said it really resonated with them so I thought I'd share it here as well. REMEMBER, YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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